9 months

9 months is the time it takes for a baby to grow before it is ready to be born.

Tonight I'm going to a "remembrance ceremony" at Gilda's Club. I get to bring pictures and articles to put on a table for Maura. They added her name to the list of people whose names will scroll down--names of people who died of cancer in 2009. And they have to scroll the names...does that mean there are a multitude? And I'll be waiting for the one second when Maura's name flashes on the screen.

Maura.

9 months Maura. I feel like some days I live in the unreality. The only "real" part of life I feel is when I'm in rehearsal. Isn't it ironic...don't ya think?

We're all broken pieces of shattered stained glass trying to fit together in some way to make a piece of art.

I love art. Art--whether its theater, or music, or dance, or photography...whatever it is..it's like alcohol. It has the power to make you forget.

When something artistic is happening, I find joy. Real joy.

I feel funny church doesn't bring me that kind of joy.

But then again, maybe that is whey God created art...if we love because He first loved us, then perhaps we create because he first created us. And perhaps sharing in an artistic experience isn't selfish at all. Perhaps its just a necessary part of being a human created in God's own image. Something we have to do to find that one little drop of who we really are. Everything gets tangled up in the sticky web of whats going on at this moment...what has gone on..what have I suffered, what will I suffer...what can I avoid suffering...but Art is about now. My experience with it now. today. this moment. Is always different than tomorrow or yesterday. A scene is never exactly the same two times in a row...thank goodness! Or who would want to do it. We're always reaching for higher things.

The pursuit of the ideal?

My old acting teacher called me yesterday. Just to hear his voice. I was surprised and not surprised at how affected I was that Mark would call me. To say hello. To talk about life. About theater. About God. About Arena Theater.

I have nostalgic feelings.

Nostalgia for what life used to be like. All the "golden" memories in my head of my sisters and my parents and the foster kids and the craziness and the Disney revues on the coffee table. And my memories are full of laughter.

"I used to be so happy as a child. I would wake up singing. I loved life. I loved you. I had such dreams."--Nina from the Seagull.

I did that bit for my audition for The Seagull. Because I know something about that.

I am the Seagull. No I'm not. I'm the actress.

We open in March.

9 months.

Maura. I will look for your name tonight and honor you and all the memories I have of you. I wish they could scroll through my head and see how you are in every corner of my thoughts. I miss you so much dear sister. I long to hug you again. And laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh...maybe that is Heaven. You, me, Danielle, Mom and Dad sitting at a dinner table, drinking mimosas and laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing...

Mark was right. I am forever changed and I cannot go back. It only matters what we do going forward. But I want to live in the past because I feel like the past is where you are. But the past is where you were. You are not in my present. But you will be in my future.

Happy thoughts.

So...my melancholy mood and sick body have decided to try and think happy thoughts in order to change things around. Problem is...every happy thought reminds me how sad I am. All the normal happy thoughts create sad reminiscences.

NEWS: I managed to go two days without crying. And before that, I lost count how many days. As soon as I remembered to keep count, I started crying again.

I still have dreams. Sometimes I wake up and I can't remember the dream, I can only remember her in it.

I miss Danielle. But she sounds happy in Australia. With all the sunshine and the really good-looking Outback men. I hope she brings one home. Not for me !! ...for her...

Ha! That made me laugh. good.

the chicken commercials in the Superbowl made me laugh.

Joao doing his happy dance.

SNL--Dom Draper as Sergio

better get back to researching vacations.

that is also a happy thought...

Like a broken record inside my head.

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses
And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again."

When you ask me how I'm doing. This is what I want to say.