After a year.

How can I get the jumble of words inside my brain to come out in well-placed sentences to exactly express what it is I think and want to say.

usually a song comes to me at this point with the perfect words, rhythm and melody.

But today I am tuneless.

Maybe that means I should write my own music. But my songs would sound like songs from the wailing wall or the women of Troy and people would cry themselves to a point of exhaustion or just go kill themselves when they heard it. So maybe it is a good thing I stopped taking piano lessons after a year and now years later can read music but not write it.

I'm not sad all the time though. Anymore. I remember wondering if I would ever say that.

I'm saying it. There are days when I'm...happy. Yeah. I can't believe it either.

Reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand made me happy. probably because i finally finished it. the sense of achievement was grand.

Sitting on the beach in Florida made me happy.

Cuddling with my husband at night now makes me happy. (it used to annoy me that he had this whole side of the bed but insisted on smushing together into my tiny side and space. now i smush into his...)

Ice cream used to make me happy but now all I can see is calories.

Wonder Woman used to make me happy but now I feel like a poor man's wonder woman. more like woman with no wonder.

Perfoming Dear mr. Rosan made me happy.

Performing the Seagull made me happy.

I really want to do a comedy. I want to do Laundry and Bourbon again or Crimes of the Heart. Just something light and funny and not sad.

I do most of my writing to my older sister now.

Now she knows everything. Well. Not everything. I still have a journal for the everything.

And I'm on the worship team again. Third time's the charm, right? First time back on stage at church I stood in the back. Very well-placed. Awkward as hell. Its awkward back there. I'm only a bv so I'm stuck in the back next to the electric guitar hoping I can hear the worship leader so I can harmonize with her and not the guitar and it looks awkward from the audience. I know because when I saw it like that I was like...that looks weird. And then I had to stand back there and I was like, this feels weird too. Which then, made my arms and legs and hands and feet awkward as well. Hopefully my voice was nice and friendly.

I don't like pretending to be happy. I still pretend a lot. People don't expect me to. I expect me too. Especially if I am at church. weird. I know. I should change. but I'm almost thirty now so its harder to change.

Am I really almost thirty? in 2.5 years I will be 30. that is really weird. but not as depressing as I think I feel. 2.5 years closer to Maura. =) Death must be sweet.

I still think about death all the time. There was a verse in Proverbs or Ecclesiastes about people who have gone through loss or pain are made wiser because they think about death and the brevity of life. i thought, "yippee." Actually I got really prideful and was like, "Yeah, I'm so wise because i've been through death." So, I still think about myself too much and have too much arrogance.

WHen i went home to be with my mom and dad for the one year anniversary I was a selfish, petulant child. When will I ever grow up? Be wise?

Lord, my prayer now? Can you help me take my eyes off of me? Its always "me, me, me" in my prayers, "Lord, please I need a job. not just any job. An acting job in NY that pays well. Make it Broadway or TV or film!" "Lord, no one understands me. I'm so hurt and poor me." "God I can't read my Bible this morning because I'd rather lay on the couch and figure out what to do with all my time."

Excuses excuses and excuses.
laziness
lying
big pride
gossip
unfriendly thoughts for people
judgment
lots of judgement
selfishness

I plead guilty as charged. my sentence is?

I have no idea. I'm scared its that I'll never earn enough in acting and end up having children and living in the suburbs and telling everyone all my dreams came true when my child was born and secretly regretting and resenting because I never got to do what I wanted to do.

And yet. I also want God to change me heart. To make me a person who cares about other people and wants to help others and puts other people first.

But the truth is. I don't yet. I do sometimes. But definitely not all the time or even most of the time. Even now as i write, I'm still sending up little prayers to God--please help me book a job!

I'm afraid of failure.
I'm afraid I've ruined the memory of my sister or sacrificed something sacred because I've used her in every single play I've done since her death even though everyone advised against it. Every play except the one about cancer oddly enough. Maybe I just wouldn't allow myself to go there. Maybe because the part didn't require an emotional break down. see why I need a comedy?

My aunt said my sister is moving closer and closer to sainthood. because of all the good things everyone remembers about her.

When I was home in Texas my mom made a comment when we were talking with one of our friends who just had a baby and they asked me when I'm going to have one and I said not for a while. She said, "No, you're not ready for a baby." Maybe it was my imagination, but to me it felt like a slap and the sting still hurts. I would like kids. I just am selfish. I think that's what my mom meant.

I'm scared I'll never be selfless enough to have children and be a good mother. So I keep taking birth control. no room for errors. If I have a kid, I will fuck it up. SO take you pills.

Writing to my sister makes me happy. Especially when I get to tell her funny things. Sometimes I tell her the sad things and then I feel bad because I know she will feel badly when she gets my letter. So I try to find funny anecdotes to tell her about. Like blowing up Joao's birthday lasagna and my misfortunes at the dentist's office.

Letters to Juliet came out with Chris Egan. that made me happy. because I remember taking her picture with him on the set of Kings and us giggling about it all night and I was the hero sister because I made that photo last forever so he'd keep his arm around her.

I remember her in her red dress, black beret and black boots and black coat in the snow.

And I still really miss her.

And I still really wish she was here and laughing.

And I don't believe she was perfect. But i can't remember anything bad she ever did. I remember her buck teeth. And her screaming at the top of her lungs upstairs when she was angry. And playing samurai warriors with giant pillows in daddy's jackets we had on making us super puffy. And I remember the first time i realized she was funny and had a personality. At Michael and Mandy's beach house.

I find myself wishing I'd been more like Maura. Had had more fun in high school. Had not taken life so seriously. Had been free to relax, not worry, laugh, made friends everywhere, been the girl who uses her popularity for good. (as opposed to me who just had no popularity...)

I wish I was a better person like my sister.

I also feel like I've said this before.

Well. i guess its still true. I have to shower and go to worship team rehearsal. So much for working out.

Man, I really need to lose weight. summer is here.