pillow fight.

Peter (the 4 & 1/2 yr. old I babysit) and I held playcushions to our stomachs as we crashed into each other and fell down laughing with each impact.

Now that I'm home my laughter has turned to sobs.

Maura and I used to put on my dad's big puffy jackets, put pillows in them to fill it out so we were like sumo wrestlers. We'd cover the tile floor of the spacious living room with couch cushions and then stand at opposite ends of the room and run at each other full force. We would do this over and over and over.
Run, smash, bounce back and fall.
Run, smash, bounce back, fall.
run smash bounce back fall
runsmashbouncebackfall

feels like my life nowadays.
run
smash
bounce back
fall.

Another time, we took my dad's big puffy jacket and maura stood in front of me as I zipped us up together. The two-armed, four-legged two-headed monster that we became was the best. and inevitably we would bounce around waving our arms up and down until we fell down in a big poof. still laughing.

why is it that the older you get, the laughter doesn't come so swiftly when you fall?

Danielle went home today too. And I miss her so much. Our apartment was small but I wish that she lived next door and my mom and dad lived below us (well, maybe three flights below us since we are on the fourth floor of a walk up and I don't wish the hike for my parents.)

If I had the perfect house, I'd have a brownstone in NYC.
Mom and Dad could have the first floor with a garden out the back for my dad and Danielle could have the second floor entirely to herself with a nice Juliet balcony. J and I would take the third floor with a circular staircase that lead to the fourth floor where our family library would be located (with wall to wall/foor to ceiling shelves loaded with every book one could ever want and a nice large chez and high backed chair with ample blankets and comfy pillows and a small table in between with a reading lamp) and Maura could live on the fifth floor--with a skylight for a roof and when she sang it would drift down the pipes all the way down to Mom and Dad so we all could hear her sing day and night.
If I had the perfect house.

we're promised a mansion in Heaven. that's what I want mine to be like. And God, don't forget the projector for J so we can all watch movies on the big screen at home.

I'm looking at my sister's picture in front of me and missing her so much. I miss her so much. I don't think life was meant to be lived this way. I miss my dad. And I miss my mom. And now I miss Danielle.

And I never wanna hear another opera for as long as I live. Ironic. but that's how I feel.

And Nicole is having a baby girl. And another wave of saudades overtakes me as I'm overjoyed for my best friend and so sad at the circle of life. The circle of life sucks. and I hate it. we should all die the same day as everyone we love so no one has to live after.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain." (so, basically, there will be nothing left of anything of the life I'm experiencing right now.)
"All these things will be gone forever."
well good.

so come back already God. Seriously. save us from this hell I'm living in.

and thank you that I got married before you came back. so I don't have to die a virgin. That's one prayer request you answered.

too bad you didn't answer the one about making my sister well. That woulda been better.

Life sucks. I'm gonna go read Harry Potter.