The Day She Died.

Because nobody wants to talk about it. Its morbid. Read with discretion.

I woke up at 7 am ish...I heard opera music. Chelsea was in the bed next to me in the upstairs room. People were camped out all over our house. Thats all I heard. Opera music. i knew something was wrong.

I jolted out of bed and ran downstairs. Mom, Dad, and Danielle were already around Maura's bed we'd put in the living room next to the purple flowers and the big window. Sunlight streamed in and made the house look warm. David was curled up sleeping in Danielle's big chair and I don't remember who else was there. I sat down next to my dad on Maura's right. I held her hand. It was white. really pale and her fingertips were just starting to turn a little blue. It said in the booklet that the mean nurse flung in my face to read the night before that when its close to time, the fingers and toes turn blueish because of lack of oxygen. She was breathing. But it looked as if breathing had become a chore for her. Every breath she took her mouth opened wide and her head went back as if her body was gasping for breath. She wasn't coherent. She hadn't been since Sunday. It was Tuesday.

Fact: I hate Tuesdays.

I realized why it sounded so different. So quiet. Because the only sound was that of the opera music and Maura gasping for breath. The breathing machine was turned off. The IV was detached. The only thing she was hooked up to was the pain medicine--the delaudin which was the only stuff that worked on her. Danielle pushed the button every ten minutes. She made sure her little sister wasn't feeling any pain.

Maura's body was twitching a lot now. At first it was just a finger here or a hand there. The doctor said that the pain medication would make her body twitch as it flooded her system...it was toxic actually--but it kept the pain at bay. None of us could stand when she was in pain. The slightest crinkle in her brow and we pushed the button. But by Tuesday her body was twitching a lot...system fully loaded with the drugs.

I asked why the oxygen was taken out and Mom said the nurse said that the oxygen was more for the family's comfort. It wasn't really doing anything anymore. So why have to hear the roar.

I kissed her hand. It was so soft. So small. My hands are giants compared to hers. she had little feet too. Her hands were squishy and warm. Nice to hold.

At a high note in one of the arias, her eyebrows shot up. I noticed her mouth was slightly moving...as if she was singing along to the beautiful music.

Fact: I haven't listened to opera since this day.

The nurse said she could hear everything. When the opera CD ran out, we put on Bob Marley. She loved Bob Marley. I went to find my dad's Handel's Messiah CD.

Fact: Maura loved music. And her favorite was Handel's Messiah.

I found it in his treadmill cd player. I brought it out. Time was 10ish in the morning. My dad put it on immediately and Handel's heavenly music filled our living room. I looked around and the living room was full. Amanda had come from work. Katie and Kara were there. Jessica, Adam, David, Chelsea, Luciene, Uncle Mike, Aunt Rosie, Myrna, and more...but I don't know. The living room was full of people. I looked back at Maura. She was still gasping for breath. My dad gasped and got up and put his head close to hers. And then he didn't move. He stayed there whispering in her ear. Then I noticed her breaths were getting farther and farther apart. And I remembered the booklet. About the breaths getting short right before someone dies.

And I thought, "She's alive now. God, you can save her. Please. Please save her. PleasePleasePlease."

My mom got up too and put her head by Maura's other side. Both my parents were holding her close to their hearts with their heads pressed against hers. And Danielle and Luciene started to wail. And Maura drew another breath. So I shouted at them, "She's still alive! She can hear you! Stop Crying! She doesn't like it when you cry!! She's still alive!" But they kept crying. They couldn't help it. It is too much.

The nurse got up and looked at me. I was watching her breath. She breathed. I looked at the nurse and said, "she's breathing." I held her hand. I waited. I waited.

I waited.

I waited.

I waited.

Fact: She didn't draw another breath.

Her fingers were blue, her mouth was blue and open. The nurse put her hands on my shoulders and said, "Its over."

she didn't look like Maura. She looked like a version of Maura from a bad graphic novel.

Everyone was crying. Some cried quietly, others wailed. My dad shook as he cried. I've never seen him with so much sorrow...so much weight, so much pain. And I didn't know what I hurt for more. The fact that my sister had just died or watching my parents weep uncontrollably and unconsolably.

My dad reached out over Maura's body and grabbed my mom's hand and said, "Thank you. You have been amazing. You are a good mom. You have been so wonderful."

or something like that. I can't remember the exact words. maybe my mom will.

People hugged me. I don't know who. I texted my fiancee.

The nurse told people to go into the kitchen and she and the other nurse who had just arrived cleaned Maura. My mom, older sister and myself got to stay. They used black towels to disguise the bile, blood and grossness that comes out.

Fact: I cannot stand the sight of black towels. They make me vomit.

My dad went to go get himself his blood pressure medication. No one knew that until he got back.

They put the yellow nightie my aunt had made for her on her and closed her mouth with one of those vile black towels.

People came in and said their goodbyes. and then these two men in suits put Maura in this black bag and they weren't gentle with her head. It was all distorted and I said, "Her head is crooked." but nobody heard me but the nurse and she stopped them and straightened out her head.

We followed the men out to their truck. and watched as they loaded her up and drove away. I ran back into the houe and saw the empty bed and Bianca (Maura's dog) lying on it where Maura had been.

I put my sneakers on and grabbed my IPOD and put on Lincoln Park and ran out of the house, past all the people, down the street and to the right. To go to our creek.

But I couldn't run very far. Because I couldn't breathe. I was gasping for air and sobs and the word "I..." kept coming out. Somehow I made it to the creek. I sat down on the sand cried. And cried. And cried. It felt as if I couldn't stop crying ever again in my life. My chest, where my heart is felt heavy and broken...like a heavy mass of nothingness. Like a black hole that weighed a million tons.

Fact: The weight has not lessened and has not left.

"So this is what a broken heart feels like, God." I said out loud. The sky was blue--the color of Maura's eyes blue. Not a cloud. I started talking to God out loud. I may have yelled. If I didn't, I felt like it. But probably didn't have the energy. I listened to Hillsong and prayed and cried and laid down in the sand. I didn't care.

I tried to imagine Maura in Heaven. I told God I wanted her back and I could hear in my head her voice saying, "Lydia! Are you nuts? This place is awesome! Shut up! He might listen to you and I'm not leaving!" I looked at the creek and thought, I can just go to the middle of the creek and put my head under the water and in five minutes i could be with Maura. then I thought of my parents and how they looked holding Maura and shaking with mourning. And I couldn't add another child to their list of losses.

I looked up and a white dove flew over my head. I'm not lying and I wasn't hallucinating. It sort of circled the air above me and then flew away.

Fact: Three white doves flew over my head before I left the creek. I begged for a fourth but I only saw 3. And one black bird in between the first and second.

I started to think pleasant thoughts about how much Maura would like heaven. She was probably standing in front of His throne right now, mouth open, singing in the choir for God. Or someone was showing her around. maybe Jesus himself. Maybe it was much better than being here. I wondered if she looked the same.

I started to pray to God again. softer. I told him I'm sorry for being angry. I still love Him. But I miss my sister already. And I'm not happy.

when I got up to go back home, I was sandy and sunburned. I saw butterflies on the path. Yellow butterflies. And it was as if I followed the butterflies home. It smelled so nice in the park.

Maybe God sent the yellow butterflies and the white birds just for me. I mean, they are His creatures and under His command. Actually, when I saw the blackbird, I thought...you know, I bet all the white birds are just waiting in line, hopping around going..."send me! Send me! I wanna go this time!" and the black bird was probably like, "Why doesn't anyone ever want to see a black bird? I wanna go too! Thats it, I'm going! She wants another bird, she's gonna LOVE this!" and takes off without permission to pass by where the poor girl is crying in the sand. And God probably just shrugged His shoulders and laughed and shook his head and then sent another white bird. And when the blackbird came back beaming with pride, God stroked his breast, kissed his head, and said, "Well done." And smiled at the impulsive bird who wanted to be sent too, adn the bird blushed and flew over to the new girl in heaven with blonde hair and blue eyes the color of the sky. She laughed and started to sing, an opera song. "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Ha-le-lu-jah!..." And the black bird joined in too. And an old man turned around and said, "Hey! I know that song! You sing it beautifully. My name is George. George Handel. What's your name? For anyone with a voice like that I must know." And the blue-eyed bombshell looked at him mouth open and laughed and said, "HI! Oh my God oh my God oh my God!!!! I'm Maura. I'm new here."