Morning rambling

"Even Death and Destruction hold no secrets from the Lord,
How much more does he know the human heart"
-Proverbs 15:11

"A glad heart makes a happy face;
a broken heart crushes the spirit."
Proverbs 15:13


My mom wrote about this undercurrent of sadness she feels all the time. Me too, Mom. Maybe it has to do with that broken heart crushing the spirit. No matter what...it doesn't fully go away.

Someone who cares for me asked me last night, "Lydia, you're always sad. Do I make you sad? Have I ruined your life? Why aren't you happy?"

A lot of people ask me that or comment on that.

"Lydia, why aren't you happy?"
"You just haven't been yourself lately."
"Are you feeling okay?" (I get that a lot)
"What's wrong?"
"Is something the matter? You haven't said a word all night."
"You don't talk anymore."

Nothing is wrong,
I feel fine
if I'm not talking--I have nothing to say
and it's no one's fault.

People try to pinpoint why i am the way that I am. Why I'm not bubbly, chipper, smiling, laughing, happy. It has nothing to do with my life...I love my life. I always have.

I miss my sister.

My little sister just died.

My heart has been broken and no one has put it back together again.

And nobody can.

A wedding won't fix it,
food won't fix it,
movies won't fix it
Only time.
And God.

As my mom said, "Left foot. Right foot. Left foot. Right foot..."

"your Word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path."
Psalm 119:105

"He knows the human heart" --He gets it. He gets it.

None of us know what the other is going through. I don't know what Matt is going through in Korea, or Adam in Tomball, or my mother, or even my older sister. We all have a different process to go through and this one is mine and the only one who gets it is God.

Why am I sad? Why can't I be happy? I'm a new bride! People expect me --hell, I expect me--to be full of joy and love and happiness. I'm letting down everyone. And my husband! He must feel like its his fault and its not. i am not who i was. I am not her and as much as I try to manufacture that girl back, I've been forced to start acting my age. no more hot pink french bikinis bouncing off the wall, unaware of the changes that have taken place in my body.

silence.

I like silence. I find things very hard to get excited about.

I used to get animated over everything...a new pencil, a delicious piece of pizza...

I think the only things I really get genuinely excited over is when I discuss theater plays or possible projects. Also God. I like philosophizing on God. A subject I can thank Marcus and Clara for opening up to me again. It felt good that day in the cafe after the conference. It felt so good to talk and think and clink together verses and ideas...like I used to do.

Part of me doesn't want to go back to used to either. This is life post Maura, remember? Its not the same. Nothing is the same or as it should be. Everything has to be different. Everyone needs to acknowledge there is a hole in the world where a beautiful life used to be. Or at least acknowledge there is a hole in my heart where a beautiful life used to be. and she still soaks up every piece of my shattered heart so I don't understand why Humpty Dumpty can't put it back together...its all made of the same material.

"A broken heart crushes the spirit."

I feel guilty for not being happy. Someone told me it was time to move on. To let go. To start living my own life, not hers. I don't think thats what I'm doing. I think I am learning to move on. But then I question myself. Should I not be writing? Would that be ignoring?

No. Just like in theater. The process is important. Probably more important than the result.

Except that I'm not comprehensive. People should read C.S. Lewis. At least he's linear. I don't know what the hell I'm saying half the time. What have i learned today? same things my head has known for 2 months.

give the process time. (and it has not been enough time. its only been 3 months and 8 days.)
when is enough time anyway?
its okay to not be happy. you don't have to pretend you are.
and people are stupid.

I didn't get married because Maura died. I got married because I was in love with a man.

But I'm not a normal bride. Deal with it. Everyone. Even you, Lydia.

I still find it weird that almost everyone who has congratulated me on my marriage says something like this:
"Congratulations! and I also want to offer my condolenses...." something is wrong with that.

Who gives a flying fuck anyway.

So, maybe I'll just be like this until Dumpty can get it together again.

I'm fine. I'm not "happy" per se. But I seek out joy where I can find it. But thats the thing. I have to ACTIVELY seek it out. I have to know what brings me joy and then draw from that well to get even just a touch of strength. And it doesn't always work. That's okay. Its like auditioning. You keep at it because you may still land a job tomorrow.

What brings me joy:
singing --so I turn on music all day long. Even now, I am listening to music. and I am going to the worship team rehearsals every thursday night. When I sing, I just sing. Nothing else.

plays --working on a project with M & P for a pilot and possibly doing Last Days of Judas Iscariot (one of my favorites!! next month)

reading my Bible--doesn't really make me all happy go lucky, but it brings peace. which is good too.

watching LOST--new achilles heel

romantic comedies

hanging out with friends who make me laugh as opposed to friends whose problems I have to deal with. I don't have the strength to be that Lydia right now. And my misery does not love company unless it is genuine joy company. like Jessica. So if you wanna hang out with me, check your problems at the door, not because I don't care, but because I care too much and I'll take it on and I don't have the strength to do that but I'll do it anyway. I just wanna laugh. Be a clown.

Dancing--still haven't got anything for that. I need Liz Dig. or some big space like jenks or something where I can play my music and be alone. thats the thing. I like to dance alone. to my own music. in my own way. I don't really like dancing with a partner.

reading Harry Potter. yes. I am allowed.

why do I feel like when I do these things I am wasting time? I am a grown up, I'm not a college student anymore, I should be productive with my life. Find a job that pays more so I can go on auditions. I shouldn't be allowed to take 'me' days. And God forbid not more than one in a row.

Whatever. Its my health.