My heart is breaking like it was this morning. I have not been well all week. I can't make simple decisions or perform simple tasks. I feel completely helpless. I feel guilty because I'm helpless. I feel hopeless. I feel guilty and unchristian because I'm hopeless. I can't hardly get out of bed. My house is a mess. I would not be my friend if I was my friend. I'm gloomy when I'm around people. Somehow, my depression or grief or debbie-downerism or whatever it is you want to call it, always comes into the conversation. I feel people slowly trying to get away from me since I am a blackhole of misery.
Maybe its just this week.
I feel like this inside all the time, but this week I haven't been able to do anything to hide it to "overcome it" (whatever that bullshit means)
I am so angry.
I am so sad.
I am so weak.
I am so guilty because I am all these things.
I try to get better.
But I can't.
I feel bad for everyone connected with me (that is the guilty part) and yet I'm angry if they don't understand and try to help me snap out of it. I think they're squelching my grieving process.
Anger and Guilt I guess are Grief and Heartaches first cousins.
6 months Maura.
I haven't gone a day without crying yet. I miss your beautiful face so much. I watch the video Matt posted of you...of your life...the one we showed at your service. And I just cry and cry and cry and cry...is that helpful? I don't know. You tell me.
I don't know what to do. I feel stuck.
Like I'm i a hole and I can't see and I can't climb out of it. i don't know what to do.
i miss you so much. i miss you so so so so soooooooooooooooooooo much. I get the for God's glory yadda yadda yadda...but I just miss you. I just miss my little sister.
maybe i should get a boring fulltime job? maybe not. I don't know if I'd be able to focus. but is having these days off when I should audition but there are no auditions...is this healthy? gives me too much time to think.
i can't escape from my brain.
why isn't more understanding?
am I really not a good person?
I miss my sister.
I am afraid I am going nuts.
the counselor at Gilda's Club says that grief carries similar characteristics as depression. But what if someone doesn't believe in depression...like shouldn't you just be able to be happy? to move forward? to get on with your life? and I can't.
what do I do?
I feel like I'm tearing my life apart.
But I want to grieve.
But I don't know how to do it but lay in my bed and cry all day.
Isn't that a waste of time? shouldn't I be doing other things? necessary things?
I don't know.
what do I do?
I wish I could climb in a hole and become numb to everything and never feel or see or hear or taste or smell anything again.
No i don't.
that would be boring.
I'm glad I feel, see, taste, smell, hear...I just wish I didn't feel overloaded with all the emotions of the world.
I want my mom.
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I still want to be your friend. I always will. I'm not running away, nor do I have any desire to. Grieve how you need to. I think as a culture we've lost the idea of what grieving is. Though, I think Hecuba got it. So do what you need, and not what you think you "should" do. I, for one, will love you all the same, if not more (if that's possible).
ReplyDeleteBy the way, you might like this blog... a friend from Wheaton's sister just started it. It's been encouraging to me the past few weeks:
ReplyDeletehttp://psalmsillustrated.blogspot.com/
ditto, what hannah said.
ReplyDeleteit's your process, your life - do what you think you need, not what you "should" do or what you're expected to do. (you've never been one to color inside the lines anyway.) i don't think anyone has the perfect answer for you, which kind of sucks, i'm sure.
let me know if you need anything, lydia...
I'm here.
ReplyDeleteYou are just human. With all the foibles and frailties that entails. YOu are doing the best you can, one step at a time. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. For now. Don't expect yourself to be someplace else. This is something you must go through to get where you're ultimately going. Be patient with yourself. You are a work in progress. And you're worth the time it will take to get where you need to be.
ReplyDelete