Archives from her birthday...

They say that when you celebrate the birthday of the same age as the day you're born on, its your Golden Birthday. For example, when I turned 14 on January 14th (which is my birthday) it was my Golden Birthday and I got to have a big slumber party (when usually we were only allowed slumber parties for specific years).

Maura's Golden Birthday is today.

Or it would have been.

Or is it still?

Maura would have been 23 today--but since she's in Heaven, and there is no time in Heaven (I think...don't quote me theologically or anything, I'm not C.S. Lewis) maybe it doesn't matter.

But it matters to me.

Hmph. My dad turned on the Christian Radio Station and the DJ just said, "Today, Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 is a day of prayer and praise."

Bet his dead sister's birthday isn't today.

Today I don't believe in anything.

That's a lie. I do. I believe in God.

But I don't believe in miracles.

I don't believe God has a "plan to prosper us and not to harm us."

I don't believe that I've heard from God I will be successful in my field.

I don't believe God can heal.

This music is torturing me.

Because I love God and I believe He is sovereign. And He is God and thats just the way it is. He is God through the good times and bad.

But I'm so sad today. I've been crying since I woke up. I can't stop thinking about her. Because today is her day. Today was always about her. "This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." "Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say Rejoice!" God, you make no sense. How am I supposed to rejoice (today above all days) when I can't even stand up from the weight of grief? That's right. The weight of grief. Not the weight of glory...grief and pain and hurt and more pain.

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

"He died on the cross, was crucified, then buried and on the third day He rose again."

Even the word death means something more to me...its more real...movies where people die...just action movies...its more real. The word is not just a strong word to use in powerful poetry or to make a joke ("Die motherfucker" "I hope you die" etc)--people throw around the word...so much...especially in the movies...but its a real word. It means a real thing. It is a real curse. OR a natural part of life. Except this doesn't feel natural. This feels unnatural. This isn't the way it was supposed to be.

Life was supposed to have ups and downs, but always with my sisters and my family at my side.

She was supposed to be healed.

She was supposed to get married and have children.

She was supposed to be at my wedding.

She was supposed to celebrate her 23rd birthday today.

Yesterday was Danielle's 30th birthday. And we couldn't throw her the huge party she deserved. We couldn't afford to take her out to the fancy restaurant she likes. We couldn't take her to Vegas like she deserves and fawn on her and celebrate her and spoil her. So, tomorrow she and I are taking a bus and I'm going with her to the casino 3 hours away and my parents are paying for 2 nights there. I can't afford much but to give her some chump change to spend how she chooses...either playing in the casino or money towards something at the spa...and me...i will lay by the pool. which will be fun--but I want to be able to do it with her...because its more fun with someone else! Its no fun by yourself. I just wish I had so much money so I could lavish it on her...give her the FULL spa treatment at the spa there...get her the too expensive facial and manicure and pedicure and massage, and take her out to the fancy restaurant in the hotel and give her spending money for the casino and souvenirs and lots and lots of alcohol and drinks so we can forget what has just happened to us and ripped our lives apart like a giant earthquake that will never close again. Its her 30th birthday and she deserves a big deal. But instead...she got a sombrero on her head and flan in her face. Damn those Mexican restaurants and what they think is funny. This is not how it should be

*****

I know I want more than I can have. I used to believe God would just provide it.

Oh yeah. I forgot. I don't believe in anything anymore.

****

This is not how life should be.

This is not how my wedding should be. My poor stressed fiancee having to do everything. Because I'm so incapable. I'm so unavailable. I can't even touch him. I can't touch anyone. I can't hug. I'm a huggy person but I can't even receive hugs. He thinks I just go through my day watching movies and shopping while he works so hard. And he does work hard. But a movie is just an escape. Its a story that covers such a large screen I can check out of my life for 2 hours. What I need is some marathong movie, like Star Wars so I can check out forever. And if I see that DAMN TRAILER for the movie "My Sister's Keeper" one more time...I will pull my eyes out!!! I took my dad to an action movie for Father's Day and this preview comes on and there we are...having to sit through it...watching a preview about a movie about our life...and its raw...its salt on our wounds...

A wedding should be filled with joy and laughter and fun. And bridal showers. And lingerie showers where you laugh and laugh and people give you all the attention and want to hear all the romantic details. And where you try on skimpy lingerie and model it for your friends so they can make inappropriate comments about what you and future husband will be doing with (well actually without) those skimpy garters and edible pantied and see through nightgowns. Our engagement should be filled with him and me and lovey-dovey moments. More of the time when he washed my feet in the bathtub because he didn't want me to put dirty feet on our new couch and less of me a helpless wreck arguing with him for no reason and falling onto the floor a weeping mess...less of the time where I can't get out of bed and face the sun...less of the crying all night long and him having to stay awake and get no sleep because he's holding me and I cry so loud he can't rest because he's worried about me.

A birthday should be filled with joy and laughter and fun. And everyone giving her the attention she deserves and celebrating the life--the 30 amazing years of her life where she has accomplished so much and become such a beautiful woman with a big heart and a kind and generous spirit. A loving woman who I look up to...and I know Maura looked up to her too. We talked about how cool Danielle is. She is our big sister. She is my big sister. And she deserves more.

Should be.

And today is another birthday. But one I can't even write about. Because its just one more person I can't give everything to. Because she's not here. And no amount of money will bring her back. And no amount of begging will bring her back. We can watch videos of her...but its not the same. The videos make me laugh and cry at the same time because I remember her.

I remember. Her humor. Her beauty. Her gentlenss and kindness. Her impishness. Her drunkeness. Her blonde hair. her brown hair, for that matter. Her blue eyes. Her beautiful smile. Her laugh. Her voice. Her beautiful, supernatural and unmatchable voice. Her sweet hands. Her chubby phases. Her skinny phases. Her big boobs. Her surgically removed smaller boobs.

The way she said my name. I love the way she said my name.

I miss the way she said my name.

Maura. its your birthday today. Its your Golden Birthday today and I celebrate you. But it is not how it should be. estou com saudades, minha linda irma. There is no joy. There is no laughter. There are only tears. estou com muitas saudades, Irma Querida. Too many tears and its very hard to breathe from the choking sobs. Irmazinha. The hole in my heart makes me heavier than I've been in days. And the sky is cloudy and sunny at the same time. Like on the day we had your service. I'm wearing your clothes. Your yellow shirt you loved. And your underwear. I know...I know...you may think its gross...but its just one pair and I washed it. You lent it to me before. Why should now be any different. Besides. All mine are dirty.

Maura
Your birthday arrived.
I woke with a start.
I felt nobody
And you weren't here.

the room was empty
and the room was dark
and I was alone
and you weren't here.

and i can only write
i can only shower
i can only wipe
these tears from my eyes.
because you aren't here.

because I can't
because i don't want to
because I shouldn't have to
keep on living without you.

Birthdays aren't the same.
Weddings aren't the same.
The power of death
is too strong
for joy.

oh Lord, if the Joy of the Lord is my strength...then I am weak. I have no more comfort. I am drowning. and I am completely and utterly miserable.

wow. that's depressing.

If I was my fiancee, I'd leave me now. I make his life stressful and miserable. He should be enjoying this time too. But he's not. He's just overwhelmed. And I am too heavy a weight. I can't carry his burdens much less share them with him. He deserves better than what I can give him. i am not who he fell in love with. That should make it okay to break any promises. i haven't held up my end of the bargain, right? He will be freer without this weight called Lydia dangling around his neck and he will be happy. He wants to be happy. he deserves it. he's worked hard for it. take your happiness. I won't stop you this time.

****

This isn't 2 hours of a story and then the lights come up and we all leave the theater.

This isn't a fucking movie. This is my life. This is my fucking life.

And I hate my life.

And I know I dramatize everything. its in my genetic make up. Its in my profession. Both of them.
When all hope is gone?

"I lift my eyes up to the mountains. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth..."

Last night, at Danielle's birthday dinner...people kept asking about the wedding...I didn't want to be rude...but I wanted them to pay attention to Danielle...for once let the spotlight be on her and not me...I hog it enough...I didn't need it last night. But Savannah, Nikki's daughter, asked me if I wanted to be an actor? I said, "I am an actor." She asked me if I was going to be famous. And Danielle answered without blinking, "She will be famous."

That's what my sister said so firmly. Its not about the fame--I don't care if I'm famous or not. who could care now? Its the fact that my big sister, my beautiful big sister, said more matter-of-factly than I ever have, without a shadow of doubt in her mind, "She will be famous." "She will be successful." Because she believes in me. Maura used to say the same thing. With the same certainty.

Maybe it does matter what God says and how He orders things. But at the end of the day, He gave me my sisters. And they believe in me. More than anybody I know. And they don't question what will happen in my life. They just know. And they say it outloud without fear or shame. They say it with pride. Proud of me.

And I am brought to my knees again because of their faith in me.

Before Maura died, I asked her if she'd prefer I went into cancer research. I could get the degree. I am smart enough and I could study and get into school no problem and I could help save the world specializing from sarcoma and i would work until I found that cure and she knew it. Or should I do movies. And she smiled and said, "Movies. Hello?" And she looked at me and said again firmly, "Movies." And I told her I'd tell her story and she smiled and nodded.

And I will tell her story. Because every word I write, every feeling I feel, every character I play will have her in it. I can't help it. She and Danielle and my mom and my dad are what my art have always been about. Because my art tells stories and I only know how to tell the story from my lens. I only know how to feel what I've experienced myself. And I have experienced them. They make my life rich. They make me overflow. And in my pain, I WILL become the BEST DAMN ACTRESS and the BEST DAMN WRITER (of males and females) this world has ever seen. Because THEY make my art live. Make no mistake, it has nothing to do with me. I'm merely the vessel. Its them that inspires anything good to come out of me. It will ALL and ALWAYS be about them. It will always be about Maura. it will always be about Danielle. It will always be about Love.

For Danielle and Maura.

Tattoed on my heart. forever.

posted by Lydia DeSouza at 10:51 AM on Jun 23, 2009