I found this.

Thought I'd look through some old writing I keep under lock and key. I found a lot of writing from right after Maura died.

May 27th, 2009, I wrote Maura a letter:



my sweet, sweet sister,

It is not easy to write to you. Because I don't know that you'll get this letter. But maybe it is more for the living than for the dead.

I miss you so much. A week ago, you took your last breath and I had to write your obituary (the worst thing I've ever had to write and the only thing I had no words of my own for)...and I still can't think of anything else but you. I still feel like you're just on a vacation, or not home for the weekend. When in actuality, it is me on the long weekend called life. You are enjoying eternity, Paradise, probably with a huge mansion and a crown too big for your head because of all the good things you did and the incredible person that you were.

I keep having daydreams of you. Too brief, these dreams though. Just one recurring dream where I see you. And you throw your skinny little arms around me and laugh and say, "Let me show you around."

And all I can think about is that one vision I had a couple years ago...I was running down the beach. The sky was a little cloudy but not in a bad way...just like it was about to rain. And the sand was that wet sand right by the tide. In this dream, I am running on this wet sand but I'm following the footsteps to this rock formation up ahead and behind the rock formation is this great light. Light and laughter. And I start running towards it because there is so much light and so much laughter growing louder and louder. So, I reach the rock formation and behind it surrounded in all this light is a table set with 5 goblets. And all this laughter is there at this table and you are there, and Daddy and Mom are there, and Danielle is there and its like the most fun dinner ever. So much laughing and so much light.

And I think that's what it will be like when I die. I wonder where Joao is. maybe this means I die before him. Are we still married in Heaven? I don't know. I think someone asks Jesus that question but I can't remember what He said. I'll look it up.

Either way, it is something I look forward to. Seeing you again my precious, precious little sister.

Mom still cries every night. We watch episode after episode of "Friends" hoping that somehow the funny stuff will make us forget our pain, but after the episode is over we feel the grief start to rise again and it usually spills over. Until I can get the next disk of "Friends" in.

I'm planning a nice wedding. Nothing like the one in NY. It would have been too expensive anyway. I was gonna go to Hawaii, I thought that woulda been a lot of fun, but again, a lot of money to make Mom and Dad pay. Even though a vacation might do them good right now. So, I think I might do it at Uncle Mike's house. Cool huh? Small, you know...not the big wedding, but Joao never wanted that anyway, and I'd rather get married sooner than wait longer til we could afford a great big wedding. And it's not seldom that i am reminded you'da probably been up for anything. you probably woulda made this easier because you would make everyone just shut up and you'd go along with any idea I said. Especially Hawaii. =) But LA will be nice too. Better than Houston. i am scared I will die from heat in my dress though...maybe we can rent some fans or something. Hopefully I don't fall into the pool. Lots of dancing too. And a bar. =) Maybe Daddy could barbecue for the rehearsal dinner? Make it a pool party? Sounds cool huh?

I talked to Mrs. Akin, when she was refitting your yellow graduation dress to fit me for your funeral. I talked to her about getting married. And she was right. She said you would have wanted me to have the wedding I wanted. And really, I just need our whole families there (so you better come), nice weather (that's God's territory), a pretty location (Uncle Mike has that covered) and a lot of dancing...=) and Joao of course. Would be good if he was there too...=)

I am goinngi to write your movie. The one about you, and me, and Danielle. It is hard to write. To get started. But I will write it because I promised you. And because I want to. Your friend, Joni Rogers, told me some good words, that I remember to live my own life. That I don't let my life become about your death. And I think that is something you would have said too, isn't it?

But i learned so much from you. even though I'm older so it was I who should have been teaching you...I learned so much from you:
Life is short. Don't stress the small stuff.
Live every day to the most and enjoy it all.
Be kind to everyone. Absolutely everyone. And speak ill of noone.
When opportunities happen, take them. Don't let fear of what people will think or say or my own fear stop me.
Make my life about people. Because in them lie my riches.

3 Oscars. 2 Emmy's. 1 Tony. that's for you.

All the rest I'll give to Mom. =)

I love you so much. I could not have asked for a better sister. i could not have asked for a better family. And even in this most painful, horrible circumstance, you taught me to hope to the very end. And so i won't mourn like those who have no hope. because I Know that I know that I know that I will see you again, my beautiful sister. So I have hope. i love my life. I don't like my circumstances. But i'm thankful for a lot. I wish you were here.

But I still feel like you are very much here. Maybe its all the prayers people are praying for us that is bringing on all this peace. I hope they keep praying. we'll keep needing it.

Remember when you had to go buy that plunger from the hardware store while I waited in Rodolfo's bathroom because I'd stopped up the toilet and couldn't wipe properly...oh gosh...you know, he never knew why he had two plungers after that. I only wish i had been able to find the first one. Oh well.

Remember when i wouldn't go to the sex museum with you because I was too scared blah blah blah so you went by yourself and you laughed and said you were the creepy girl who was there taking pictures all by herself? Oh gosh. i wish I could do that over. I would go with you. Now I have to go and be the creepy girl myself just to make it up to you.

Remember when you offered to give me all your money you'd saved from your allowance (which was a good $500) to pay for my college tuition (which was more like $24,000 a year)?

Remember when we would take glamour shots together? oh how embarrassing.

Remember when I got engaged and I walked in the door and you jumped up and screamed and threw your arms around me and laughed and cried and was so excited? And you called Danielle who was still in Chicago and she kept complaining because no one was talking to her because she was on the phone and no one wanted to be on the phone? Poor Danielle. But she'll be at the wedding. She's been so great. We still fight but I'll try to be better about it. I am really looking forward to planning this wedding with her so we can spend good time together. Because I love her so much too and I don't think she knows how much I love her. i was always better at showing you how much I love you, but I need to show her. If you have any pull with the Big Guy...find her some really amazing hunky teddy bear to marry her and treat her like the princess she is.

I wish you coulda seen how beautiful the service was. You would have loved it. You'da cried. I know you woulda. Miss Sensitiva.

Remember when you made me sing the Ursula song with all the voices in front of all your friends? most people would think it should have been my best performance because it was literally your dying wish, but it wasn't...it was my worst...I'm sorry...i cared so much...but what made it the best, was you answering back on Ariel's part...I loved that.

Remember when you needed to sit up in bed and I would get jealous of anyone who lifted you but me? i liked that job because you would have to put your arms around my neck for me to lift you and it was like a private hug from you every time. I loved that too.

Remember when you were getting delirious, not really talking and you all of a sudden picked up both of my hands and felt around for my ring and when you found it you sighed a sigh of relief and Danielle said, "Do you know who it is?" And you nodded and said "Lydia." and went back to sleep. That meant so much to me that even when you could barely talk, you knew who I was and it seemed as if it made you comfortable knowing I was there. Knowing we were all there, but I liked that you needed me there too.

I wish I could have spent more time with you. I really do. I regret so much. And I'm so sorry for so much. But more than anything I love you so much and I miss you more than my heart can hold. it is full of tears, my heart. and it rises to my eyes and falls down and no one knows what to do or what to say and really there isn't anything to say or do. Only time.

But I will go through this time. And I will experience it all...and then when i get to heaven, I will tell you all about it. Because the one good thing is, you will neveer have to know what this feels like. So--it'll be a good story. I'll tell you when I see you again.

Until we meet again, Maura, my beloved sister, you are forever in my heart.

All my love,
Beijos,
your big sister Lydia

posted by Lydia DeSouza at 12:03 PM on May 27, 2009